


Astronomical

by gallifreyanlibertea



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Astronauts, Bad Puns, M/M, Slight NSFW Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-07 22:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13444887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyanlibertea/pseuds/gallifreyanlibertea
Summary: Alfred Jones is a celebrity astronaut, and the only thing Arthur Kirkland is known for is for frequenting a bar to drink away sad, lonely nights. Arthur doesn't expect Alfred Jones to be in the same small town as him, much less to want to take Arthur home, but the odds are in Arthur's favour.





	Astronomical

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LiberTeaIsGood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiberTeaIsGood/gifts).



“Wanna ditch this bar and take the drinks back to my hotel room?”

Alfred raises his eyebrows as he says this and Arthur stiffens at the arm that comes to rest at the back of his barstool.

No, he absolutely  _could not_ have heard it correctly, absolutely not. Arthur was hallucinating, he was dreaming, he was doing _something_  because it was Alfred Jones and everyone in the United States of America knew his name, so he couldn’t be asking to take Arthur home.

Hell, it isn’t even an overstatement. Even if someone wanted  _fuck-all_ to do with space, they still have to be stupid not to recognize the face of an astronaut from the crew who’d just returned from their latest televised space mission. The entirety of the country had fallen in love with them through the videos of their silly antics they’d send from space, or their social media profiles chock-full of their handsome faces in handsome space suits.

At least, that’s how Arthur had fallen down the rabbit hole.

It had taken a single switch of channels, a single glance at an interview, and suddenly, Arthur was very interested in the space program. Who wouldn’t be? Look at those faces!

So yes, despite the fact that the odds had already been defeated by the crew stopping at Arthur’s dusty old town for a break from their tour, by the astronauts deciding to explore ‘local culture’, by Alfred  _bloody_  Jones being at the same bar as Arthur had taken to in his sad, lonely, weekly routine- a man that well-known could not possibly be asking to take Arthur home.

“Um, I… well, don’t you have a television interview or something to get to?”

“We’re planning on staying here for a night.” Alfred says, “You know? A pitstop. Drink in the sights.”

‘We’ meaning the crew, of course. They’re somewhere in the far corner downing their drinks, and Arthur finds himself wishing Alfred’s right there with them. Maybe then, Arthur won’t have to squirm under the astronaut’s delicious attention. 

_Oh, but he really wants to._

“Right. Sights _.”_

“There’s got to be something interesting in town!” And Arthur could easily refute that, but Alfred continues, “Who better to be my tour guide tonight than the most interesting person here?”

So says the astronaut fresh from some space mission.

And Arthur tells himself it’s God’s sick plan all along. He remembers slinking into the bar earlier that evening with a scowl on his lips, plopping down onto a chair and ordering his regular, wondering who on the entire green-blue Earth would just _take one for the team and notice him already._

So naturally, someone fresh from  _outside_  the green-blue Earth had slid in next to him, charming blue eyes twinkling right in Arthur’s direction. “I’ll have what he’s having. Name’s Alfred Jones, and you?”

Arthur’s actually twitching now and he hopes Alfred can’t tell. “I’m… um, I’m afraid the only sight worth seeing in this town is you and your crew, at the moment.”

Alfred cradles his face and his boyish smile in his hand, elbow propped up on the counter, “Then how’s sightseeing working out for you? You like the view?”

“It’s either this or the aquarium in the local dentist’s office, so-”

Alfred’s laughing and Arthur feels accomplished. In fact, it was just last week he’d seen an interview of the crew on the  _Ellen Show_ , all bitter and wrapped up in his blanket wondering if he could ever make them laugh like they were doing on the television. If Arthur ever met one of them, that is.

Arthur glances at Alfred and those dimples of his, pressing into his cheeks with his grin, and Arthur feels the shiver run up his spine.  _He can._

“So how’s my offer?” Alfred says along with the upward curve of his lips, and Arthur’s inhale is stuck in his throat, “Well, I mean… is that something you’d be interested in? Or, are… “

Arthur tells himself it’s now or never, because if he wakes up tomorrow to a nauseating hangover in a cold bed, he’ll never forgive himself.

“I’m gay.” Arthur finds himself saying through burning red cheeks. He doesn’t understand why he lets himself speak any further, “I just haven’t… um, been with a man… like that.”

Great. Arthur’s never going to forgive himself.

“Oh,” Alfred says, smile faltering. Arthur doesn’t see why it wouldn’t falter. He doubts Alfred has ever met a virgin this old.

Well, it’s not like he hasn’t been with women! Arthur parts his lips to assure Alfred of just that, but he decides to purse them shut again because  _why the hell did he think it was a good idea to spill his guts to a man he’d met only hours ago?_

Alfred’s smile comes back strong, “So I’ll be the first man to explore your anus?”

Arthur definitely made a noise just then.

A squawk… some sort of sputter and a yelp, all at once. “I bloody  _beg your pardon?”_  He screeches, and Alfred’s laughing, as if it wasn’t a blunt, awkwardly-medical way of telling Arthur he wanted to sleep with him, and Arthur’s wondering just how young the man is, because if it was meant to be a joke, it was definitely not one for someone Arthur’s age.

But it takes him a while to get it, punctuated with a heated glare at the astronaut who’d dissolved into laughter, to hiss out a response, “It’s pronounced  _Urine-us,_  you heathen.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself!” Alfred’s laughter dissolves into an abashed grin and Arthur pretends he doesn’t find the expression attractive, “I’m not usually this forward, but no one’s given me the opportunity to say that before.”

“I feel sorry for the crew that’s stuck in space with you for so long.” Arthur finds himself muttering. “I know I’d go crazy.”

“Let’s test that.” Alfred says and Arthur gingerly takes the hand offered to him, “Drinks back at my room. Stick around, and we’ll see if you go crazy.”

That was definitely a wink, and Arthur’s heart is definitely in his stomach because it's  _Alfred Jones_. Even though he traded his signature spacesuit for a well-fitting NASA shirt today, he’s still the astronaut Arthur and countless others stalked on Instagram- the man has been to space, he’s seen it all! He’s seen enough breathtaking galactic beauty for everyone in Arthur’s town combined!

And despite all of that, he still wants to see Arthur naked.

Suddenly, God’s cruel joke wasn’t all that cruel. “Fine, but if you so much as think about making another awful pun, I’ll… I’ll  _takeoff.”_

It takes a while and a blank blue-eyed blink at Arthur’s nervous smile but Alfred finally laughs at the pun- much to Arthur’s relief- as he holds the door open for Arthur to step through, “Oh please, Arthur Kirkland, you’ll never shake me off.”

And two years, two-billion-and-one space puns (and an engagement ring) later, Arthur finds that Alfred was right. Arthur couldn’t quite shake him off; thanks to the astronomical odds of meeting a celebrity astronaut in a small town bar, and an astronomically bad joke.

**Author's Note:**

> A freerum-and-libertea on tumblr sent in a joke about an astronaut Alfred telling a virgin Arthur that he would be "the first man to explore Uranus" so I did a thing


End file.
